Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

We’ve all heard someone say – it’s not what they said, but how they said it! In fact, most of us have either said or thought this at one time or another. The words were true, but how they came out made them ineffective because of the way they came out.

I once counseled a young woman from New Jersey. She was upset that people reacted angrily to her suggestions. They closed off. They argued. They refused to hear even the most plainly positive suggestions. She asked me why. My response shocked her – It’s not your words, but the texture of your speech that’s the obstacle.

Speech has texture. Much like a silk handkerchief feels good on the nose, but a steel wool pad doesn’t, so our words come with texture. The good news is that we get to choose what words we use and thereby control the texture. We need not choose steel wool when silk will serve the purpose and leave no mark.

A craftsman chooses his tool very carefully. He doesn’t use a sledgehammer to seat decorative tacks in a cabinet face. He uses a small tack hammer. He doesn’t swing like he’s breaking rock, but like he’s gently seating a tack. He uses the smallest nail that will do the job adequately.

Too often, in our speech, we send a chainsaw to do what fine sandpaper will accomplish. We fell the tree rather than trim the branch. We use words that are abrasive and unkind when gentle and kind words are the tool most needed. We “set them straight”, “get our point across”, “give them what for”, and sit and wonder why our message is rejected and a battle ensues.

I know no one wants to hear this, but this is the speakers failing. The problem lies not with the receiver, but with the sender. The sender has chosen the wrong time, tool, or texture. Success is more likely when we first consider: Are my words from a place of love? If not, stop. Are my words gentle? If not, stop. Are my words kind? If not, stop.

Choose the texture of communication first, match the words to the texture, then time the message appropriately. It’s seldom our words, but rather the texture of our speech that leads to hurt. Be Gentle, Be Kind, Be Love.

Ephesians 5:2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Each of us has a defined idea of what love looks like. To some, roses are meaningful. To others, they’re a waste of money. Some value time with one another. Others value time away from one another. Each of us defines, from an early age, what love looks like to us.

In order to truly love another person effectively, we must first understand how that person defines love. What does love look like to that person? To an overwhelmed mother, it may look like a night out on the town. To an overwhelmed executive, it may look like quiet time at home. We MUST  accept the fact that people understand love based on their personal definition, not ours. It’s a zero value effort to “wish someone loved” in a way that he or she doesn’t understand and define love. Many tears have been shed throughout time over a love who does not love like we understand. 

Consider love to be a key to a door. When I look at the key to the front door of my house and compare it to the key to the front door of my neighbors house, I see that they are not the same. They may have a similar shape. They may share some similar rises and falls. But, they are not the same. My key will not open the front door of my neighbors house. My key has a unique pattern.

Each of us has an infinitely unique pattern that is the key to our heart. There is a unique pattern that will unlock that door. I can use my unique key on your unique lock all day long and I will never succeed in gaining access. I must understand your unique pattern, the pattern that developed based on childhood, friendships, past relationships, self-beliefs, past traumas, and the list goes on.

To truly love another, we must endeavor to understand their pattern. We must love as they understand and realize that they can only love as they understand. To expect them to love as we understand is nonsense and will only lead to frustration and sadness. It requires a choice on their part to seek to understand our pattern. It’s only when they endeavor to understand our pattern that they can understand how to unlock our heart. It is a choice.

Jesus loves us perfectly. He is the Master key. He sees the patterns in our hearts and He loves us in the way that we understand. He loves us in a way that doesn’t condemn or judge, but forgives and encourages. As we open to Him, He changes our pattern, heals our hearts, so we love more like Him.

As we grow in Christ, we seek to love others purely, not needing them to match our pattern to be loved, but seeking to understand theirs. We will never have a master key to hearts as Jesus does, but we can become more and more like Him. As we learn to love without judgment and condemnation, hearts open to our love and encouragement.  

Matthew 6:19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal.”

Never allow your possessions to become your passion. “Passessions” fade. Passion never fades, but is forever. Allow your “God-ordained” passion to consume.

God gives us passion. Our passion may be art, writing, raising children, or building a business. God lays in each heart passion and natural abilities that lend to the realization of His purpose. None of us accidentally showed up here. God is not a god of accidents or wasted steps. He is a God of intention.

The world strives to reassign our passions to obtaining possessions. It’s one of the most effective tools evil uses. Rather than the possessions being a servant of our passion and purpose, our passion and purpose begin to serve our pursuit of possessions. We use our talents and time to gather things that will fade. They have no eternal impact.

Our passions and purpose must instead determine our possessions. When things begin to interfere with accomplishing the purpose God has laid in our hearts, we feel frustration, disconnection, and depression. Our spirit is communicating that we are off purpose. The bigger house, nicer car, and larger 401K isn’t serving an eternal purpose.

Possessions are the treasure of Self. These lead to emptiness and confusion. There is a lack of purpose and passion. “Why am I here anyway?”

Passion and Purpose are the treasure of Spirit. These lead to fulfillment, satisfaction, and, oddly enough, possessions that fulfill, rather than fade! Every possession serves the passion and purpose. Those that don’t are dismissed. “I know why I’m here.”

Never let possessions become “passessions”. Possessions pass, but Passion is eternal.

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

Laying down life for another is the single greatest act of love and devotion that one human can show for another. When we think about this, we often have this dramatic picture of a man or woman drawing their final breath, as blood seeps through the jacket they wear. The bullets have been flying and the final words are gasped out, inspiring the hero to go and finish the job, hunt down the villains, and claim victory as the movie credits roll.

But that’s not life. That’s not the way this works. That’s not the way this works at all.

We may picture police officers, firemen, soldiers, doctors, nurses, and EMTs. But this morning, I want you to picture the husband attending his wife of 50 years, as she fights sickness; picture the mother fighting to reclaim her addicted son, as he fights off drugs; and picture the child caring for her elderly mother, as her mother slips further into dementia.

Laying down ones life is a choice to serve. It usually doesn’t happen in a dramatic scene complete with burned out cars in the background. No, it happens much more quietly. It happens moment by moment, day by day. It happens one breath to the next. It happens not in a blur, but at a crawl.

Very few of us will ever be called upon to push someone from the path of a speeding bus. More of us will be called upon to hold the hand of someone in the path of a creeping disease. Almost none of us will be asked to take a bullet for another. Most of us will instead be asked to set aside the brightly colored wishes in our minds and choose to serve our brothers and sisters.

Make no mistake: A life laid down becomes a life well lived. There is no greater service. There is no greater love.

Think for a moment – has there ever been a wife who “dreamed” of caring for her husband dying of cancer? No. It’s a choice to lay down our life to care for another. It’s a form of denying self and taking up the Cross. No one EVER hoped to wipe the drool from their elderly parents mouth! No one EVER said – “I hope my wonderful child needs rescue from drug addiction” or “I hope I get to care for my daughter after a horrific car accident disables her”!

Greater love has no person than to put his or her life on hold and love another, love that person through sickness and difficulty and even death. The love is demonstrated with every tick, tick, tick of the clock. Every breath given is a breath that will never return. Yet, they choose to give this time.

Take a moment today and thank a caregiver. Thank the unseen. Thank the one laying down his life in quiet and humble ways. We all choose how we spend each tick of the clock. People who truly love spend each tick loving others.

1 Peter 2:13-17 Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake, whether to the king as supreme, or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men— as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bond servants of God. Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.

Opinions flow freely these days. Politics, religion, societal norms, fashion, and the list goes on. Ask almost anyone and you’ll receive an opinion. Sometimes you don’t even have to ask to receive an opinion. Chances are great that the opinion received won’t be identical to your own.

I’m seldom alarmed about the opinion I hear. I simply consider the words and the delivery. These are speaking to the level of spiritual and emotional maturity of the speaker. When I hear hate, rejection, judgement, narrow thought, and an overriding confidence that the opinion is completely correct, I recall the words of Proverbs 21:2 – Every way of a person seems right in his own eyes (her own eyes), but the Lord weighs the heart. I consider what weight God might find in the opinion and I make note of how I might now witness, love, and give to this person. Opportunity is revealed.

I’m more concerned with how I react to the opinion I hear. How do I respond to hateful words, prideful remarks, and narrow thought? This speaks directly to what God will find as He weighs my heart. It speaks directly to my spiritual and emotional maturity. Do I have the maturity to hear an opinion completely different than my own and still love the person, even when I disagree with their words? Do I possess a strength of conviction to embrace this persons humanity even as they may reject mine? God weighs all hearts… not just those I disagree with.

In the end, people’s opinions speak to their spiritual and emotional maturity. How we respond speaks to ours. What will God find today, as He places your heart in His scale?

“Bad days” can open the window on unvoiced needs. Listen closely, value the window. Hear their true need.

Too often, we hear a loved one who is having a “bad day” or we are having a “bad day” and we write it off to just being tired, hungry, frustrated, etc. This time offers a wonderful window on the true needs of our loved ones or our own needs. More often than not, the words being said are from a place that is very tightly guarded on a “good day”. Be thankful for it – listen closely. It allows us to learn how we might better love that person.

High emotion may reveal true needs, wants, and desires. It may not be “out of character” at all. It may just be “out of the closet”. High emotion opens a door on needs that some are ashamed to express. It opens a view of self that some consider selfishness. It doesn’t just come out of nowhere… it comes from somewhere. Rather than being angry about it, value it for the breadcrumbs it provides to find the truth.

When a spouse expresses frustration, what is the truth in it? When a sibling expresses anger, what is the truth in it? When an employee expresses apathy, what is the truth in it? Rest assured, there is truth there. We can deny or we can look it in the eye.

This is not to say that people can’t say things they really don’t mean. The high emotion may lead to hurtful words that are over the top. Look for the emotion, the energy at the bottom… not the words on top. The energy will be loosely covered. This will be the truth.

We can choose to yell back, fight, demand our rights… and the wonderful window will close. Or we can choose to grab the glimpse while we can and, at a more opportune time, explore what we saw. It can lead to a whole new depth of understanding – of self or a loved one. Value the bad days and the windows they provide. 

October is Pastor Appreciation month. Somewhere during that month, many churches celebrate by buying themselves dinner and giving the pastor a $50 gift card. The Hallmark card given has been passed around the church for four weeks, trying to collect the signatures of all the members. 

Why must there be a specific day to appreciate the pastor? Every Sunday, the pastor receives a present when the members are present. Their presence is valued more than their presents. He doesn’t count the money in the envelope, but the people in the seats. Ultimately, appreciation is not voiced but demonstrated. Compliments at the door fade. Promises to attend are hollow. People present is the only real gift.

Many pastors will receive cards and cash in October and November. The pastor will stand and thank the church, as he looks out on the half empty pews. He’ll look at the signatures in the card and find no matching face in the crowd. He’ll consider that the leaves are changing and many “needed a vacation”, while he’s had none in two years. He’ll remember that some had the sniffles earlier in the week, while he ignores the pain that’s wracked his back the whole week. He’ll see some in the week to come, because he understands the importance of “presence”.

In the end, presence shouts the volumes of appreciation that presents only whisper. He won’t remember the gift card in a month. He’ll remember the gift of your presence for months to come. Excuses are just that… excuses. Reasons to excuse our absence from the presence the pastor appreciates.

 

 

Luke 16:15 And He said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God.

As Christians, we are called to be humble. Humility is not a place we go, but a journey we take. It’s not a spot at the end of the road… it is the road. It’s not an easy road. Pride is a constant road hazard. Lust calls from the sides of the road, trying to draw us off.

Some are quick to proudly share how humble they’ve become in their walk. They’ll trumpet about how long they pray, how often they forgive, how much they’ve overcome persecution. They puff up as they talk of humility. They’re proud of being humble.

It’s important to stay humble about being humble. Pray in secret, in a prayer closet. Give in secret so even your left hand doesn’t know what your right hand is doing. Observe your walk with God, not to be seen by others, but to be in communion with God.

The moment we believe that we have become more humble than others, we are no longer humble. We are proud of our humility. When we feel that we are better than another, as we kneel to pray for him, we are no longer humble. When we give to another, while thinking critical thoughts of him, we are no longer humble.

God does not honor pride – in fact, Proverbs 6:17 has a proud look leading the list of seven abominations before God. God hates pride because it causes separation between our heart and His.

Stay humble about being humble. Pray for your enemy without telling him. Give to your neighbor secretly. Bear the criticism of others silently. Let God do your talking. He speaks louder than pride.

I heard a story not long ago about John Quincy Adams. Thomas Jefferson wrote him, inquiring of his well-being. John Adams was about 80 at the time, his walking wasn’t very good, and he was having a hard time seeing. I was so touched and encouraged by his response. He communicated so well how our spirit – our soul – our essence – who we really are – is quite separate from our physical condition. We can be very well, while our physical health isn’t so great.

John Adam wrote, “Thank you for asking. John Quincy Adams is well, sir, quite well indeed. I thank you so very much. But the house in which he lives at present is in disrepair. It is tottering upon the foundations. Time and the seasons have taken their toll upon it. Its roof is pretty well worn out, its walls are cracked, and it trembles when the wind blows. This old house is becoming almost uninhabitable, and I think John Quincy Adams will have to one day move out; but he himself is quite well, sir, quite well indeed. How very kind you are to ask.”

What a beautiful way to express that our souls in Christ are healthy, vibrant, and alive, even as our body is fading. My soul is evergreen! This world may cause my body to fade, but it cannot touch my soul, my essence, my inner self without my permission. 

2 Corinthians 5:1 describes our earthly body as a tent. “For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” This tent, when we are in Christ, houses an Evergreen soul. Yes, physically we may be fading, but spiritually we are blooming!

Focus on the bloom – that’s where the beauty is found.

Doing will never lead to Being, but Being always leads to Doing. Be your calling.

Many spend much time doing. They wake in the morning with a long list of things to do. This list fuels an anxiety driven day trying to do everything that they feel they are called to do. Visit enough, pray enough, read enough, pray some more, call or text enough, give enough, witness enough… all very good things to do, but are they God things to do?

At the end of the day, as we strike one more item off the To Do list, we see all the things we didn’t get done and feel tired, overwhelmed, shamed, guilty, angry, and, in extreme cases, like giving up. Pastors and Spirit Leaders are very susceptible to these feelings.

We will never Do enough to Be what God has purposed in our hearts. We will never work our way into a state of being. It is not the doing that creates the being, but the being that creates the doing. As Dr. Wayne Dyer so wonderfully said, “If we are what we do, when we don’t, we aren’t.” Let that one sink in.

God wants us to Be. We are to Be His child, Be His servant, Be His under-shepherd. God says “I Am”. We too must say, “I am.” When we realize who we truly are, the outflow of this sense of Being is the activity of Doing. Because we become our true purpose and operate each day from the place of our purpose, our priorities become aligned. The things we do come from our sense of Being. 

Being is a place of Spirit. Doing is an act in the world. When I sit confidently in who God has made me to be, I also flow confidently into what God would have me do. The actions are fueled by spirit and love – love for the Father. As we come from this place, we no longer seek the approval of people. We “did” something because God purposed it in our heart. Man’s approval is not required.

Take the time today to simply Be. Stop the frantic Do list for a couple of days and realign with God. Return to purpose and Be. Once there, the Do will flow naturally.